Hollywood Rant #2: Hillary Duff Is A Lazy, Spoiled Rotten Little Bitch

Hillary doing what she does best. Sitting on her ass and contributing
nothing important while people give her money.

Ah yes. Hillary Duff. The girl that, besides Lindsay Lohan, provides more orgasmically wonderful enjoyment to pre-teen girls (And 35-40 year old men) than anyone else. Arrogantly walking the same path first blazed by the Olson Twins before her, Hillary has conquered ALL forms of media (aside from Porn, but you know that isn't far behind), from Television, to Movies (Her latest with her equally annoying and if it's possible, even less talented sister Haylee), to today's topic of discussion, the ear-splittingly awful saccrine sweet tripe she calls her music. She has 4 albums. 4. FOUR ALBUMS! One of the songs, off her latest album, "Most Wanted", appeared on the trailer tape at work a couple months ago. I can only hope that the title of her latest album is some remote indication that she will be arrested in a week or so and made to be someone's prison *expletive deleted*. But I wouldn't get my hopes up. She released an album called "Metamorphisis" a couple years ago and I foolishly hoped that she meant she'd be crawling into some kind of morbidly black cocoon for a couple weeks, only to emerge as someone who actually makes music and who's mere face doesn't make me violent. Anyway, her song "Wake Up", which coincidentally, is the EXACT same message I have for the catatonically braindead idiots who keep buying her God damn records (Juries still out on if Terry Schiavo listened to her), appeared on my trailer tape at work a couple months ago. Really, this song...it's....Hillary, I've heard music...What you play isn't music. The Who. That's Music. Jefferson Airplane. That's *expletive deleted* music. This is....


Hillary's Miserable Excuse for a Record.

"There's people talking
They talk about me"

I doubt it. If people have nothing better to do than talk about you, they live sad, horrid little lives. Here in lies problem #1 (on a list of a million) problems with this girl. She's so arrogant and ego-centric she thinks that everyone in the entire world, whenever they are talking, are ABSOLUTELY talking about her. *expletive deleted* Walter God Damn Cronkite's got a big fat news flash you vapidly *expletive deleted*-faced dumb blonde slut. People have better things to talk about than you. Hell, I'd rather discuss the various ways I'd prefer to contract the *expletive deleted* African Bird Flu. There's better things to discuss. The Eagles for one. And how I'd take some kind of sick pleasure watching their linebackers doggy-style you forcefully. Yeah. I said it.

"They know my name
They think they know everything"

It's RIDICULOUSLY hard NOT to know everything. Most Hallowed Christ, your picture and some useless factoid about your expendable life is shoved between two perfume ads in some magazine for lonely middle aged women every six seconds, right between a recipe for the world's *expletive deleted* greatest cherry cobbler and "40 steps for a More INCREDIBLY AROUSING SEX LIFE". Here's a tip for a more arousing sex life, Hillary. Play any man you come across within the next 6 minutes, like, 3 seconds of your music. They'll instantly pass out from lack of oxygen to their brain, thus allowing you to have your way with them. Because that's the only way you're getting any with this much of a lack of actual talent. Tiger Beat magazine puts your face on every single god damn issue they release every month, with some head like "Hilary's Big OMG Moment!11111!!1!!!!" NOONE *expletive deleted* CARES.

"But they don't know anything
About me"

See Above Hillary. People know, because we're forced to know. We don't have the choice given to us on any given second of any given god damn day NOT TO KNOW. Your publicist, MTV, Tiger Beat Magazine, they force us to know every single little thing about you as if you are some glorious goddess who has descended from heaven to inform us of the meaning of life. What are you, the mother *expletive deleted* Dhali *expletive deleted* llama? No, the Dhali Llama has music taste. I hear he listens to slayer. Here's a thought, slutface. You don't want us to know anything about you? GO LIVE ON A MOTHER *expletive deleted* ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHER E NOONE CAN HEAR YOU SING. And noone can hear when the ghost of Steve Irwin has you mauled by Crocodiles.

"Give me a dance floor
Give me a dj"

It's your fault, Hillary. You are fully responsible for the spoiled, "I'm entitled to absolutely anything and everything I want" philosophy that currently permiates american youth. I'm not going to get you a dance floor and a DJ. I'm not your little servant boy you dumb slut. Be happy that you have enough money to install a swimming pool full of Yellow Jello Tapioca Pudding in your backyard, because if it was up to me, you'd be cleaning off the spray streams in jack off booths in adult bookstores. So I'm not going to do your bidding for you Hillary. You want a Dance Floor and a DJ? Get off your god damn *expletive deleted*, put your feet down from on the collective necks of corporate america and the youth market, put down the little silver bell, and get it your god damn self.

"Play me a record
Forget what they say"

Still with the commands? Boy, you really are a little rich spoiled brat aren't you? Fine, you wanna hear a record? I'll play you "Tommy" by the Who. That's a record. Oh wait, you know what? You don't deserve to hear the record because for reasons only known to the dark prince satan himself, you actually *expletive deleted* COVERED "My Generation" on one of your albums. I hope you die. I really do. In fact, I'm so tempted to murder you if I wasn't too busy with work, I'd consider it. And then I'd decide not to. Not because murder is against the ten commandments, but because I'd actually have to dirty a knife plunging it into your lifeless corpse. And "Forget what they say"? Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that, would you hillary, because when you play a rock show, you don't need to worry about remembering the words to your own *expletive deleted* songs because you probably lip-synch them all the *expletive deleted* way through.

"Cause I need to go
Need to getaway tonight"

Yes, please. GO. I can't stand looking at your little fat cherub face another god damn second.

"I put my makeup on a Saturday night
I try to make it happen"

I thought you were going to go? God damn it Hillary, why you gotta *expletive deleted* lie to me like this? I get my hopes up that you're just going to up and leave and now you're going to tell me about how you put your makeup on. Hillary, no amount of makeup is going to help. Sorry. Women wear makeup to enhance the already beautiful characteristics in their face. If you already look batshit ugly without makeup, you could put on makeup till you look like Mimi from the Drew Carey show and you'll still look like Joan Crawford exploded on your eyelids. And before you get all god damn excited that I'm comparing you to Joan Crawford, I'm not talking about the HOT Joan Crawford. I'm talking about the 100% loco crazy Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest. It won't "happen" if you've got absolutely nothing to work with.

"Try to make it all right
I know I make mistakes"

Hillary, EVERYTHING you DO is a mistake. I know this seems like an easy shot, but you make it easy. I can't forgive mistakes or let you make it right if you've never done a single good thing in your entire life. In order to effectively redeem yourself, you have to do something good. I'm still waiting. But with movies, music, and tv like you do, my ability to be impressed is lessening by the day.

"I'm living life day to day
It's never really easy but it's ok"

No. It's not okay. You fail at absolutely everything. The only thing, I mean, the ONLY thing that you're remotely good at is making little girls think you're amazing, and making 40 year old men masturbate. You made a horrible TV show on a second rate network for a company that's been a shell of everything it once was since it's founder died, you and that harpie you call a sister make romantic comedies, even when you have women like Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Jessica Parker to compete against, REMARKABLY worse, and you're not simply content coming up with some of the single WORST music known to man in your own head, you have to steal a classic song by the greatest band of all *expletive deleted* time and ruin it. You're a failure Hillary. Kill Yourself. Seriously. Also, that first line there...."I'm living life, day by day" that sounds like something 50 year old recovering alcoholics say. You drink too. Just *expletive deleted* great.

"Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night"

You don't wake up until SATURDAY NIGHT? YOU LAZY *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*! I've been up early everyday this week trying to make a part-time college education work with a job where my hours are expanding drastically because we only have 6 employees at the store, and you're staying in bed until saturday *expletive deleted* night? Somebody throw a bucket of ice cold water on this girl. Get out of the god damn bed and do something!

"Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo"

These 3 lines are so laughable that I was cracking up at work everytime I heard them. Seriously Hillary, you're basically saying that you fall asleep in one place at some given time and then randomly wake up on a Saturday night in some strange place without knowing how you got there. I get this delightful image of her staggering out of a bar somewhere downtown, passing out in an alley, and then just randomly waking up somewhere in some city having no idea where she is after some pimp has already gave her a roofie and had his way with her. Hillary has just confessed to be a regularly drunken whore. There we have it.

"There's something going on anywhere I go
Tonight
Tonight
Yeah, tonight"

Well OF COURSE something's going on everywhere you go Hillary. People have lives and things to do. Unlike you, you lazy drunken whore, we all can't stay in bed until saturday night. We have JOBS. We have LIVES.

"People all around you
Everywhere that you go"

Hillary, you're starting to worry me, as it appears that you are developing some kind of paranoid schitzophrenia. You are not the only person on planet earth. I don't know if it's a result of your ego being the size of texas and russia put together, or that you have a fear that everyone in the world is trying to murder you (and the latter is completely and entirely true), but when you go places, people will be there. UNLESS the place you are going to is one of your concerts.

"People all around you
They don't really know you"

See Post about Tiger Beat. Everybody knows EVERYTHING about you whether they'd like to or not.

"Everybody watching like it's some kind of show
Everybody's watching"

It is NOT like we have much of a choice. You are on every channel.

"They don't really know you now
(They don't really know you)
(They don't really know you)
And forever"

Again, yes we do, and if "Forever" is how long it's going to take to shut you up, suicide is a viable option.