Hollywood Rant #3: Kevin Federline (There's Really Nothing Else To Say Now Is There?)

Anyone remember what Britney Spears looked like when she was like, you know, 18?



What Britney Spears actually used to look like.
Yeah, I can't believe it either.

I mean, yeah, she was never like, "Wow", but back then I could respect an individual who found her at all like, MODERATELY attractive.

Seen her lately? She DEFINES trailer park trash, while still having enough money from the bubble gum sugar pop she pettled to Generation Y in the late 1990's to sit comfortably on her growing *expletive deleted* and do whatever she damn well pleases. Here's the thing, I don't think it's Britney's fault that she's twice her original size now even when she isn't pregnant. I don't think it's Britney's fault that she's lost all credibility as a performer and now is only good for making the cover of US magazine every god damn week.

Britney Spears made huge news about 2 years ago when she, apparently under the heavy influence of alcohol and childhood partying, met at a vegas chapel to marry her childhood sweetheart, a man named Jason Alexander. The marriage was annuled within the short time of 24 hours.

Now, I don't even know Jason Alexander. But he seems like a completely decent and wonderful person. And do you know why that is? It's because ANYONE, and I mean, like ANYONE, would seem like *expletive deleted* Mother Teresa or Saint Paul himself next to the King of Douchebags that Britney married a year later.

Kevin Federline was one of Britney's Backup dancers originally. How this happens, I'm not entirely sure.
Because...well, this guy CANNOT move to save his life, and has the rhythm of a limp chicken. I present for your approval his performance at the Teen Choice Awards this year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbbTRma0Olc

Ignore the fact that Britney could pass for Moby Dick at the beginning of that clip, and pay attention to K-Fed's Performance. You would think, since the guy used to be...of all things, A BACKUP DANCER, he would have somewhat impressive moves to showcase on stage. On the complete contrary, he not only is barely moving, he looks entirely bored with his performance. Now K-Fed, honestly, I'm not a music authority, but even I know the first rule of a rock show (or rap show) is if you want your audience to get into the moment, BE EXCITED and HAVE FUN. Townshend and Moon smashed their gear. Hendrix lit his guitar on fire. Jefferson Airplane passed out hashpipes. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE YOUR AUDIENCE FEEL LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME. How do you expect an audience to take you seriously Kevin if YOU don't even look like you enjoy your own music?

I'm sorry Kevin, you do. You do enjoy your own music. A little too much, as evidenced by THIS video that came out a couple months ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6RvngAZCcQ

That song Kevin, it sounds like you wrote it in about 10 seconds. lyrics,Kevin, MEANINGFUL lyrics sometimes take months to compose. And you sit there so proud of yourself like you've just written the next "Ziggy Stardust". When James Lipton can go on Conan O'Brien Kevin, and getting roaring laughter simply by SAYING the words to your songs, something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBzpLR3_9M8

K-fed. You're horrible. You've destroyed the image of Britney Spears as the everyman's sexual fantasy and you have somehow gotten the idea that just because you're married to a woman who is a huge star, that you somehow have an ounce of credibility or talent. Mr federline, if time travel was possible, I could go back in time and hang out with Claudette Colbert on the set of one of her films. That wouldn't mean I'd suddenly become a good actor. If I didn't have it BEFORE I met a quality performer, simply being associated with her would do JACK.

Let's continue now by showing the video for Kevin's new Single, "Lose Control", after which we will analyze the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0SxMhwVkJ8

Okay, I'll give you all a minute to contemplate suicide.

Finished? Alright, let's take a look at this painful excuse for lyrics:

"Thats right just get it
Let you feel it"

I don't know what you're asking me to "feel" here K-fed, but I'm going to have to say no. Anything that you were to pull out of your pocket and say "Yo dude, feel this...", I'm not going to feel. In fact, when you tell me to feel something, I get this image of a really creepy, deprived grandfather who is asking his granddaughter to reach inside of his pants and pleasure him. I wish there was a nicer way to say that, but there isn't. That's how little I want to be even NEAR you, much less feel anything that you could be pulling out at any given time. And given how often Britney seems to be growing to the size of the titanic, you apparently pull it out quite a damn bit.

"Make you lose control
This is that hip-hop flavor mixed with a lil bit of rock & roll"

Your music makes me lose control alright. Lose control off all possible restraint I have as a human being and want to murder you. And Kevin, please explain what part of your music REMOTELY resembles Rock and Roll. Even suggesting that your music is in the same vein as the Rolling Stones, the Clash, the Who, or the Beatles is like saying that Rosie O'Donnell is in the league of Marilyn Monroe simply because she's female.

"Valet your whip Grab your chick
You know how it goes
I got that *expletive deleted*, I got them beats thatll make you lose control"

"No, I DON'T know how it goes Kevin...and if it involves whips, I don't want to hear a word of "HOW IT GOES", especially when it involves you. I'm pretty sure even the mere thought of you and Britney doing something that involves whips would make any sane individual blow their brains out in a collective orgy of gray matter fly. Oh, and you got lots of *expletive deleted* alright."

"Step up in the club, so fresh and clean
Not the outcast that they label me"

Yes you are. Look, generally, people that are outside of the norm that is appreciated by society develop a counterculture appeal. But for you to develop that appeal, someone actuallyhas to LIKE what you do. I cannot think of a single person, nor can I concieve of a person, other than your wife, who honestly thinks you possess one iota of concievable talent.

"I'm rolling with a team, that roll so deep
We in and out the club everyday of the week
And I make them hits, when the beat drop
That's when you here me say say hold up, stop"

Too bad when I say "Hold Up", you just can't stop, or I would have done that a long time ago. K-Fed, I have a hard believing you actually get into any actual clubs, or at least that you'd have a hard time getting into one without that whate of a woman on your arm. You're the type of guy who gets thrown out of clubs about 5 minutes into the night because he's lurking in the shadows making weird grins at all the women and telling them to show you their breasts.

"Let me take you back to 5o'clock
When I roll the lamborghini off the block
But not before I made them chop the top
And throw some 20 shoe's, oh thats hot"

What are 20 shoe's? This paragraph makes so little sense in the second part that the only joke I can concur from it is that I'd like to throw 20 shoes at your car and break the damn windshield.

"Hit Nastros For a bite to eat
No tuxedo cuz they reconize me
Her lifestyle, the rich living, the fast cars
Don't hate 'cuz I'm a superstar and I married a superstar
Never come between us no matter who you are, cmon"

No Kevin you aren't a superstar. You're riding the wave of your wife's success. You possess NO TALENT, and the ONLY reason you even have enough exposure to be an internet laughing stock is because you are married to Britney Spears.

"Closet full of kicks
Garage full of whips
Vegas crab table got the pit ball sticks
They never seen a kid win like this
So rich, that I tattoo the dice on my wrist
And my girl too, It's no coincidence that SRT got all black tits
I've never been a digger but I rock 'em nuggets
One earing cost more than your budget
I ain't here to brag I'm just here to pop tags
My ferrari cost more than your lil S-class
Look man I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket
It don't matter what you blow, boy you can't match it
40 grand I take the whole crew to Miami
Then we pop Crys off like they won Grammy's
I take care of my own, that's my family
Magazine talk 'cuz they don't understand me"

Again Kevin all this stuff you're bragging about owning? It's bought with YOUR WIFE'S MONEY! You're like a little poodle who gets spoiled by it's master because she's too dumb to realize she's spending all of her money ON A DOG!!!