HOLIDAY RANT #2: We Rock ABOUT.COM's Top 10 Holiday Toy List!
For the second installment in my Holiday Toy Rant Series, I've chosen not to deal with one particular toy, but rather, an article which appeared on About.com this past week. About.com, which has so much information on it and yet manages to be ENTIRELY useless, and their correspondent Dipika Mirpuri have compiled a list in this article of the Top 10 MUST-HAVE toys this holiday season. If you do not have these toys, your children WILL hate you mom and dad, and they WILL murder you in your sleep. So be prepared to fight excruciatingly painful lines of crazy-ass parents the day after thanksgiving at your local wal-mart, cause these mothafuckas are going fast.
http://toys.about.com/od/holidaytoysandgifts/tp/topten2006.htm
There's the article.
Read it?
Okay...
#10: Butterscotch My Furreal Friends Pony from Hasbro
"This very life-like pony from Hasbro is an extravagant treat indeed! Special sensors make it possible for Butterscotch to react just like a real live pony. Moving eyes, head and ears and a soft flowing mane and tail make Butterscotch a treat to touch and play with. Younger kids will enjoy sitting on Butterscotch and being gently bounced up and down. You can even "feed" the pony, or groom her and watch her reactions!"
Wow. This whole thing. I don't even know where to start. Let's take a look at it.
Okay, first off, look at that thing. There isn't one thing about it that isn't initially creepy. In fact, I could do one WHOLE, ENTIRE rant on the fact that I simply don't want that thing in my house. How would you like to be walking around downstairs at night in the pitch dark to raid the fridge and just see that thing STARING at you. That would personally put me in the ICU Burn Unit solely to treat both emotional and mental scarring. The other initial problem with this is just the image it projects. Anyone else get this weird "Stuffed dead dog" mentality out of this...I mean, it's just plain creepy...I look at this thing and I see something bordering on a Taxidermist job. It looks like your kid's horse died and you had him stuffed and placed on his favorite patch of land in your living room. Yeah, that's not going to scare your children.
But perhaps the most horrible part of this toy is this:
"Younger kids will enjoy sitting on Butterscotch and being gently bounced up and down. "
What in the fucking mchell is About.com suggesting that Kids do with this thing? Because it appears that Dipika is suggesting they have wild bestiality sex with it. Now that's a toy. Mom and Dad, have your little angel repeatedly ass fuck a stuffed horse. That's it. Way to go. "Warning: Buttercup may cause your daughter to orgasm and/or be no longer "intact" '
We're skipping Toy 9, because it's the Wii. And the Wii will kick ass.
Wow. This whole thing. I don't even know where to start. Let's take a look at it.
Okay, first off, look at that thing. There isn't one thing about it that isn't initially creepy. In fact, I could do one WHOLE, ENTIRE rant on the fact that I simply don't want that thing in my house. How would you like to be walking around downstairs at night in the pitch dark to raid the fridge and just see that thing STARING at you. That would personally put me in the ICU Burn Unit solely to treat both emotional and mental scarring. The other initial problem with this is just the image it projects. Anyone else get this weird "Stuffed dead dog" mentality out of this...I mean, it's just plain creepy...I look at this thing and I see something bordering on a Taxidermist job. It looks like your kid's horse died and you had him stuffed and placed on his favorite patch of land in your living room. Yeah, that's not going to scare your children.
But perhaps the most horrible part of this toy is this:
"Younger kids will enjoy sitting on Butterscotch and being gently bounced up and down. "
What in the fucking mchell is About.com suggesting that Kids do with this thing? Because it appears that Dipika is suggesting they have wild bestiality sex with it. Now that's a toy. Mom and Dad, have your little angel repeatedly ass fuck a stuffed horse. That's it. Way to go. "Warning: Buttercup may cause your daughter to orgasm and/or be no longer "intact" '
We're skipping Toy 9, because it's the Wii. And the Wii will kick ass.
posted by Indie @ 6:40 PM
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