HOLIDAY TOY RANT #1: Mattel's Superman Inflato-Suit

There is nothing at ALL flagrantly homosexual about a kid who is wearing this.

This, apparently is being prepped by Mattel as the biggest sell to children this holiday season, likened to Cabbage Patch Kids and the Tickle-Me-Elmo, Mattel believes this will be the single most hard to find item this holiday season among the 3-7 set. Stores will be selling out across the country. The first shipments are out now at major retailers.

" Kids who truly aspire to be their favorite Super Hero will love the Superman Returns Inflato-Suit™. Featuring a dedicated battery-operated fan that fills the suit with air, it emulates the muscular physique of their favorite Super hero."

You flip a little switch in the back and the suit gives you gigantic inflated muscles with a little battery operated fan.

Anyone else see the uh, problems with manufacturing errors present in the early prototype suits?

For example, say you have a much younger, smaller child who's suit is actually MUCH larger than he is. Pick up a few gale force winds and the kid inflates the suit, little junior flys through the air and screams bloody freaking murder into the next county.

As an alternative situation, let's say manufacturing plants use faulty or misplaced fans in one or more of the suits.

Kid gets the suit on Christmas morning and screams like the Nintendo 64 kid. He throws on the suit, his body trembling in almost orgasmic anticipation, he flips the switch and...the misplaced fans actually just make him look really really fat.

Decades of rehabilitative therapy.

Let's also take a look at the kid in this picture to see some more inherent problems with this product.



This kid looks like he's freaking suffocating. His ripe orange size head cannot bare but collapse pressured by the weight of his incredibly powerful pectorals.

He's trying to impress the ladies in his playdate independent study finger painting group but alas the power of the Kryptonite in his drawers is far too much for his obscene biceps to handle.

Buy the suit and Lex Luthor has already won you little bastards.

And what if the little fraker pops? Not the kids obviously (although that would be the funniest national recall of a product ever = Don't buy this product or your kids will spontaneously explode when they wear it), but can you imagine if the fans in a suit are too powerful and cause a kid's suit to actually EXPLODE? How do you explain that to your children?

"Well you see son, Superman's biceps can only take so much super power, otherwise they blow up! It has to do with the special atmosphere on krypton"

Yeah, that's great Dad. Now the kid will be watching Superman movies and shouting like a drunk man at the screen like "OH MY GOD, DON'T KICK HIS *expletive deleted* SUPERMAN! YOUR MUSCLES, THEY'LL IMPLODE!"

You and the rest of your family, will never be allowed in a movie theatre as long as you live on this planet.

I guess grandpa can still get into his special pornos though, because he was in the navy and he's seen all that stuff before.

But even greater horrors could be created by the fact that no sex/gender is indicated for a person who would be wearing this suit. Parents MAY think it's a good idea to buy this for their little angel princess to pretend she's supergirl or superwoman, but that's not a good idea, first of all we know they are both raging lesbians, but besides that, I think it's of paramount importance RIGHT NOW for Mattel to say that this suit, IS FOR BOYS ONLY.

Can you imagine the inexplicable horrors if parents in naivity actually bought one of these for a girl? Yeah, she can have fun for a while, but then she discovers the switch. She is perplexed at first, but as her parents never told her about what it was for as they probably never read the goddamn box (for the same reason Americans don't watch foreign films, your average american can't read), but she inflates it, and one of two things happen. A. She's so horrified that she immediately rolls around on the ground trying to cover her grotesque form, failing miserably until she finally just has to pop it with a pair of toenail clippers, destroying the suit and putting her parents out a massive investment, forcing the parents in question to put her under permanent grounding under lock and key in their attic.

Or B. She actually enjoys it. She keeps it secret from them for a while, but they find out about 20 years later when their daughter appears on television looking like this...



Yeah, that's right, your daughter has so much steroid induced testerone in her body she's developing a beard like Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments, among other things...honestly, she might be growing boy parts. All because you bought her a suit. If she wins Ms. Olympia or one of said Female Bodybuilding pageants, it won't matter, because you are all filthy stinking rich, and the rich can do anything they damn well *expletive deleted* please, but let's say you don't win. Let's say you don't win and your daughter is so crushed that she trains like mad for every single pageant afterwards, but never wins, because no matter how hard she trains, she'll finally lose because of that one, crushing loss at Ms. Olympia. But she keeps training, so hard that eventually...



Daddy's little angel goes the way of Florence "Flo-Jo" Joyner and flat out exercises herself to death. IT HAPPENS. It only takes this one case to prove that hard work, too much hard work, actually does *expletive deleted* kill you.

Joe Parent, Flo-Jo says no to the suit, shouldn't you?




And even besides that, despite his massive fake inflated muscles, this kid...



is going to grow up to be gay. Think about it. This is the only job he'll ever get, modeling this goddamn suit. Oh...he'll try for other jobs as a model/child actor, but when "I wore a huge inflatable blue suit in a Mattel ad in October of 2006" is the only *expletive deleted* thing on your resume, you're screwed kid. It's just what's going to happen. So he'll never get a job again, and as the baby boomer generation is getting older, his parents are going to retire and never get a new job, so what's he forced to do, live with his mom until he's about 30 and all she can show prospective girlfriends is that picture.

Despite what any mother tells you, prospective girlfriends actually don't find your old pictures adorable. It's creepy. So this kid will never get a girlfriend, forcing him to make a "lifestyle choice" and become raging homosexual.

Nothing good comes from this suit.

So this looks like a job for superman.

To destroy this suit before ONE parent buys this for their stupid, undereducated caffiene junkie children.