TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Dave
Birthday:	12/01/84
Birthplace:	Philadelphia
Current Location:	Same
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Dark Brown
Height:	5' 11''
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Half Italian, Half Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Kswiss
Your Weakness:	Beautiful Women, and their feet.
Your Fears:	Loneliness
Your Perfect Pizza:	Chicken Flourentine
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Pass my Cable Class
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Damn it.
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes.
Your Bedtime:	12:00
Your Most Missed Memory:	My ex-girlfriend. I miss you.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
McDonalds or Burger King:	Wendy's, Motherfucker.
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton. Peach.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Yes.
&..39;Do you Sing:'	Yes.
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes.
Have you Been in Love:	Twice.
Do you want to go to College:	I'm in college.
Do you want to get Married:	Yes.
Do you belive in yourself:	Yes.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Yes.
Do you think you are Attractive:	Moderately.
Are you a Health Freak:	No.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	No.
Do you play an Instrument:	Bass Guitar and The Trombone. I picked up one cause you get no chicks with the other.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	No. Damn it.
In the past month have you Smoked:	I don't smoke.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	I don't do drugs.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No.
Ever been Drunk:	Once, not for several years though.
Ever been called a Tease:	No.
Ever been Beaten up:	Many times.
Ever Shoplifted:	No.
How do you want to Die:	Beautiful Blonde Assassin
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Filmmaker
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue
Favourite Hair Color:	Blonde
Short or Long Hair:	Long
Height:	Tall. I'm not kidding when I say my dream woman's around 6 feet tall or a little bigger.
Weight:	I like my girls with a little more weight on them. Not fat, but I love a girl with a bit of a belly on her or something
Best Clothing Style:	On a chick? Jeans and a t-shirt. And Barefoot.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	None. ever.
Number of CDs I own:	Too many.
Number of Piercings:	None.
Number of Tattoos:	None.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Countless.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

HOLIDAY RANT #2: We Rock ABOUT.COM's Top 10 Holiday Toy List!

For the second installment in my Holiday Toy Rant Series, I've chosen not to deal with one particular toy, but rather, an article which appeared on About.com this past week. About.com, which has so much information on it and yet manages to be ENTIRELY useless, and their correspondent Dipika Mirpuri have compiled a list in this article of the Top 10 MUST-HAVE toys this holiday season. If you do not have these toys, your children WILL hate you mom and dad, and they WILL murder you in your sleep. So be prepared to fight excruciatingly painful lines of crazy-ass parents the day after thanksgiving at your local wal-mart, cause these mothafuckas are going fast.

http://toys.about.com/od/holidaytoysandgifts/tp/topten2006.htm

There's the article.

Read it?

Okay...

#10: Butterscotch My Furreal Friends Pony from Hasbro

"This very life-like pony from Hasbro is an extravagant treat indeed! Special sensors make it possible for Butterscotch to react just like a real live pony. Moving eyes, head and ears and a soft flowing mane and tail make Butterscotch a treat to touch and play with. Younger kids will enjoy sitting on Butterscotch and being gently bounced up and down. You can even "feed" the pony, or groom her and watch her reactions!"

Wow. This whole thing. I don't even know where to start. Let's take a look at it.






















Okay, first off, look at that thing. There isn't one thing about it that isn't initially creepy. In fact, I could do one WHOLE, ENTIRE rant on the fact that I simply don't want that thing in my house. How would you like to be walking around downstairs at night in the pitch dark to raid the fridge and just see that thing STARING at you. That would personally put me in the ICU Burn Unit solely to treat both emotional and mental scarring. The other initial problem with this is just the image it projects. Anyone else get this weird "Stuffed dead dog" mentality out of this...I mean, it's just plain creepy...I look at this thing and I see something bordering on a Taxidermist job. It looks like your kid's horse died and you had him stuffed and placed on his favorite patch of land in your living room. Yeah, that's not going to scare your children.

But perhaps the most horrible part of this toy is this:

"Younger kids will enjoy sitting on Butterscotch and being gently bounced up and down. "

What in the fucking mchell is About.com suggesting that Kids do with this thing? Because it appears that Dipika is suggesting they have wild bestiality sex with it. Now that's a toy. Mom and Dad, have your little angel repeatedly ass fuck a stuffed horse. That's it. Way to go. "Warning: Buttercup may cause your daughter to orgasm and/or be no longer "intact" '

We're skipping Toy 9, because it's the Wii. And the Wii will kick ass.

Well There's Your Good News and Your Bad News...

Don't worry, there's a full post coming tonight, but I wanted to do a quick one just to post this picture.





















It's really a lose-lose situation. Unless you are Jay, that is.

I don't know whether to be happy that some one just kicked Rob Schneider Really Hard in the face, or be sad that he probably enjoyed it.

HOLIDAY TOY RANT #1: Mattel's Superman Inflato-Suit

There is nothing at ALL flagrantly homosexual about a kid who is wearing this.

This, apparently is being prepped by Mattel as the biggest sell to children this holiday season, likened to Cabbage Patch Kids and the Tickle-Me-Elmo, Mattel believes this will be the single most hard to find item this holiday season among the 3-7 set. Stores will be selling out across the country. The first shipments are out now at major retailers.

" Kids who truly aspire to be their favorite Super Hero will love the Superman Returns Inflato-Suit™. Featuring a dedicated battery-operated fan that fills the suit with air, it emulates the muscular physique of their favorite Super hero."

You flip a little switch in the back and the suit gives you gigantic inflated muscles with a little battery operated fan.

Anyone else see the uh, problems with manufacturing errors present in the early prototype suits?

For example, say you have a much younger, smaller child who's suit is actually MUCH larger than he is. Pick up a few gale force winds and the kid inflates the suit, little junior flys through the air and screams bloody freaking murder into the next county.

As an alternative situation, let's say manufacturing plants use faulty or misplaced fans in one or more of the suits.

Kid gets the suit on Christmas morning and screams like the Nintendo 64 kid. He throws on the suit, his body trembling in almost orgasmic anticipation, he flips the switch and...the misplaced fans actually just make him look really really fat.

Decades of rehabilitative therapy.

Let's also take a look at the kid in this picture to see some more inherent problems with this product.



This kid looks like he's freaking suffocating. His ripe orange size head cannot bare but collapse pressured by the weight of his incredibly powerful pectorals.

He's trying to impress the ladies in his playdate independent study finger painting group but alas the power of the Kryptonite in his drawers is far too much for his obscene biceps to handle.

Buy the suit and Lex Luthor has already won you little bastards.

And what if the little fraker pops? Not the kids obviously (although that would be the funniest national recall of a product ever = Don't buy this product or your kids will spontaneously explode when they wear it), but can you imagine if the fans in a suit are too powerful and cause a kid's suit to actually EXPLODE? How do you explain that to your children?

"Well you see son, Superman's biceps can only take so much super power, otherwise they blow up! It has to do with the special atmosphere on krypton"

Yeah, that's great Dad. Now the kid will be watching Superman movies and shouting like a drunk man at the screen like "OH MY GOD, DON'T KICK HIS *expletive deleted* SUPERMAN! YOUR MUSCLES, THEY'LL IMPLODE!"

You and the rest of your family, will never be allowed in a movie theatre as long as you live on this planet.

I guess grandpa can still get into his special pornos though, because he was in the navy and he's seen all that stuff before.

But even greater horrors could be created by the fact that no sex/gender is indicated for a person who would be wearing this suit. Parents MAY think it's a good idea to buy this for their little angel princess to pretend she's supergirl or superwoman, but that's not a good idea, first of all we know they are both raging lesbians, but besides that, I think it's of paramount importance RIGHT NOW for Mattel to say that this suit, IS FOR BOYS ONLY.

Can you imagine the inexplicable horrors if parents in naivity actually bought one of these for a girl? Yeah, she can have fun for a while, but then she discovers the switch. She is perplexed at first, but as her parents never told her about what it was for as they probably never read the goddamn box (for the same reason Americans don't watch foreign films, your average american can't read), but she inflates it, and one of two things happen. A. She's so horrified that she immediately rolls around on the ground trying to cover her grotesque form, failing miserably until she finally just has to pop it with a pair of toenail clippers, destroying the suit and putting her parents out a massive investment, forcing the parents in question to put her under permanent grounding under lock and key in their attic.

Or B. She actually enjoys it. She keeps it secret from them for a while, but they find out about 20 years later when their daughter appears on television looking like this...



Yeah, that's right, your daughter has so much steroid induced testerone in her body she's developing a beard like Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments, among other things...honestly, she might be growing boy parts. All because you bought her a suit. If she wins Ms. Olympia or one of said Female Bodybuilding pageants, it won't matter, because you are all filthy stinking rich, and the rich can do anything they damn well *expletive deleted* please, but let's say you don't win. Let's say you don't win and your daughter is so crushed that she trains like mad for every single pageant afterwards, but never wins, because no matter how hard she trains, she'll finally lose because of that one, crushing loss at Ms. Olympia. But she keeps training, so hard that eventually...



Daddy's little angel goes the way of Florence "Flo-Jo" Joyner and flat out exercises herself to death. IT HAPPENS. It only takes this one case to prove that hard work, too much hard work, actually does *expletive deleted* kill you.

Joe Parent, Flo-Jo says no to the suit, shouldn't you?




And even besides that, despite his massive fake inflated muscles, this kid...



is going to grow up to be gay. Think about it. This is the only job he'll ever get, modeling this goddamn suit. Oh...he'll try for other jobs as a model/child actor, but when "I wore a huge inflatable blue suit in a Mattel ad in October of 2006" is the only *expletive deleted* thing on your resume, you're screwed kid. It's just what's going to happen. So he'll never get a job again, and as the baby boomer generation is getting older, his parents are going to retire and never get a new job, so what's he forced to do, live with his mom until he's about 30 and all she can show prospective girlfriends is that picture.

Despite what any mother tells you, prospective girlfriends actually don't find your old pictures adorable. It's creepy. So this kid will never get a girlfriend, forcing him to make a "lifestyle choice" and become raging homosexual.

Nothing good comes from this suit.

So this looks like a job for superman.

To destroy this suit before ONE parent buys this for their stupid, undereducated caffiene junkie children.

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 10/28: What is this, the Andy Griffith Show?

Excuse me sir, would you like me to play this?


This gentleman comes up tonight with his 6, maybe 7 year old son and he hands me the rental he picked out for his kid (Zathura), and a card coupon good for a free rental.

So I ask him if he has his blockbuster card.

"No."

Do you have your driver's license?

"Yes, I have that."

So I look up his name in the system, quite a few people with the same last name, about 2 pages worth, I read off each one.

"Nope, nope, nope...etc..."

Me: Have you been here in a few months?

Customer: I've never been here. I don't have an account.

Me: Oh.

First of all, he waits til I go through 2 pages of member names to tell me this. Could he have said when I originally asked for his card "I don't have one. I don't have an account." ?

So I said to him, assuming, you know, he just needs to get one first "Let me just grab the application you can sign up for one it will only take a second."

So he looks at me like I'm nuts "I don't want to sign up for an account."

Me: Oh, well, you'd need to. We sell merchadise without accounts, but in order to rent you need an account so we can track who has what copy of what title.

Customer: Let me explain, you see that card?

Me: Free Rental, right.

Customer: My son here won that at his school through this thing called "Race for Education". He did really well in school and got an A so his teacher gave him that as a gift, he just wants to use that.

Me: I understand. That's very cool. But Blockbuster policy dictates that we need a membership account to rent. It doesn't cost anything to sign up for one. The account is free, the rental would be free with the card, so if it's a just a one time thing, you could theoretically sign up, rent this, and never come in again, we'll never charge you a red cent and you'll never hear from us again. No money changes hands.

Customer: My son just won this and I want to use it, I DO NOT want to sign up for an account.

Me: There's no way to do that in this computer to do that even if I WANTED to do that.

Customer: Can I please speak to a manager?

*Pulls Tom Over*

So the customer explains to Tom what he just explained to me.

Tom: The computer doesn't even let us rent to non-members, I'm sorry but even if I wanted to do it, there's honestly no possible way.

So the guy takes the card back from me and as he's leaving, he turns, pats his son on the head gently and says "I'm sorry son, but I guess Blockbuster doesn't care at all about your special achievement"

And then he leaves.


And all Tom can say is "Is this a difficult concept to grasp?"

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT 10/13 : That Whole "The Customer is Always Right" Thing? Yeah, It's invalid if you're an obnoxious dumbass.

Do I LOOK like I'd watch this?

Guy comes in, he's a very LARGE, elderly man who walks with a hunch, and picks some movies off the shelves, looking around for stuff on our new release wall.

So this guy is at the very back of the store, I'm out on the floor headed back towards the office, and my Manager is up at the very front behind the registers.

So he turns to me and he says "Hey Kid! Have you seen this? Is it good?"

He shows me Cello.



So I'm like "I don't know, I haven't seen that one, BUT it's probably worth it because that company that released that movie, Tartan, releases some of the best in Asian Cinema. You'll definitely want to check out a film called Oldboy."

So he's like "Oh! Thank you!"

So I go in the back for a second. While i'm in the back office, this happens, from what my manager told me after he left.

This guy is all the way at the back of the store and my boss is up at the very front.

And he is SCREAMING at my boss while she's trying to help a customer

"EXCUSE ME LADY! CAN I GET SOME HELP BACK HERE!"

"One second, I'm helping out a customer..."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I NEED YOUR HELP LIKE NOW!"

"You're going to have to wait, I'm helping someone!"

She finishes checking out the customer in front of her.

"YOU GUYS GIVE AWFUL CUSTOMER SERVICE HERE!"

"What can I do for you?"

"I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND A MOVIE CALLED OLD MAN!"

Now this is my store manager, and she never watches movies, so she doesn't know what he's talking about and types it into the computer and gets no results...

"Are you sure that's what it's called? Nothing's showing up!"

"YES THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED! YOU GUYS HAVE NO CUSTOMER SERVICE HERE! YOU CAN'T EVEN HELP ME OUT! WHAT HAPPENED TO "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!" REMEMBER THAT ONE LADY? SOME COMPANY CALLED TARTAN MADE IT!

"We can't look it up by company!"

"GOD DAMN YOU'RE USELESS!"

So I come out of the office. the guy asks me "Where's that oldman movie you were telling me about, your employee up there knows absolutely nothing."

"It's called 'Oldboy'."

I grab it for him.

He turns to this younger customer in his mid-twenties and says to him: "Are you some kind of secret shopper for their company or something, can you tell this company what an awful employee this woman is?"

The younger customer pauses for a second, and turns around and says "No, I'm not, but if I was I'd tell someone how incredibly obnoxious you are!"

So this guy comes up front and I'm ringing him out...and he turns to my boss and says "Tell you what, because this kid (referring to me) isn't an idiot like you, I'm not gonna call your company and complain about how ignorant you are! You don't know nothing do you?"

Me: "Do you have your blockbuster card sir?"

Him: "Just look me up by my name!"

Me: "Any kind of photo ID? Driver's License?"

Him: *leans down on his elbow's on my counter* "You guys are *expletive deleted* unbelievable, do you know that? I'm just renting a movie!"

Me: "And I can't rent without your license."

So the guy gives me his license.

I ring him up and tell him the price.

Him: Whoa! whoa! How much?

Me: $

Him: I'm just renting a movie? That's insane!

Me: That's the price sir. Sorry.

He pays me and leaves.

So later in the day my boss tells me to go down to the genuardi's near our store and pick her up lunch.

And the guy's there, and as I'm getting her lunch he comes over and says "You're that lady's boss, right?"

And I'm just like "No, She's my boss."

And he just walks away.

I guess he was going to tell me to fire her.

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT 10/07 : I Heard You the First Time, Ms. Blimp, and I STILL Don't Care.

You know, this may be shocking to this woman, that
Pregnant women do not get absolutely everything
and anything they desire (unless of course you're
Gwenyth Paltrow or Reese Witherspoon, and if you
are Paltrow, the only thing you get the ability to do
is name your kids after a wax fruit basket)


Today, a VERY pregnant woman comes into the store, and she's in there for a good half hour, before she finally comes up with her rentals.

Me: Hi, do you have your Blockbuster card?

Woman: No.

Me: Do you have your driver's license or some kind of photo id?

Woman: No.

Me: I need some kind of photo identification in order to rent to you.

Woman: I'll give you my phone number...it's -

Me: I can't take your phone number miss.

Woman: Of course you can, stupid. It's-

Me: No, I can't take your phone number. I know for a fact I can't take it. I've worked here for 2 and a half years and there's absolutely NO way I can take your phone number, the computer has no way of even inputting it. It's not possible. If you don't have your Blockbuster card, Your driver's license, or some kind of Photo identification, I CANNOT rent to you.

Woman: Just take the phone number!

Me: I can't. There's no way to put it in the system.

Woman: *leans over and sticks her stomach right out towards me* you know, you have ALOT of nerve telling a pregnant woman what she can and can't do smart guy! I'm PREGNANT, you should be bending over backwards and doing what I tell you to do, cause I shouldn't be on my feet like this.

Me: Miss, even if I WANTED to take your phone number, if it was at all possible, I couldn't do it, there's no input for that in the computer.

Woman: Want me to get your manager and he can help you figure out how to take it? You're new aren't you?

Me: Miss, I'm not new. I know how to work the computer system. I can't take your phone number.

Woman: And why not?

Me: Because then ABSOLUTELY anyone who knew your phone number could rent on your account without you knowing it, ring up huge charges in auto sales and not return anything, and leave you with a huge bill. So we make sure that only the person that owns the account rents on it so there are no surprises. It's a safety precaution.

Woman: Well, I have no id, and i'm PREGNANT, and I want these movies, so what are you going to do?

Me: If you want to go out into your car and get your license I can wait.

Woman: I don't drive around with ID.

Me: I really don't know what to tell you...I can't rent this stuff to you.

Woman: Maybe you didn't understand me *she points at her stomach* I'm PREGNANT!

Me: Congratulations. I need Photo ID.

Woman: Okay, *she turns around and looks back at me* Okay, but ...I'M PREGNANT...like I want these movies...

Me: And I CAN'T rent them to you without I.D. Being pregnant has nothing to do with it. It's about monetary liability. what would you do if someone came in here and got tons of movies, never returned them and left you with a $70 bill in auto sales?

Woman: I'd sue you bastards for every last penny your worth! NOW RENT ME THE GOD DAMN MOVIES!

Me: Not without identification.

Woman: *screams* F... YOU!

and storms out.

Sorry, no exceptions, Photo I.D. or no rentals.

Hollywood Rant #4: Is Will Ferrell The New Ben Stiller?

Need I remind you? I do not think so.


It has to be asked. Because for the life of me, I can't figure out why this guy is in so many movies. I remember in the late 90's early 2000's , it became kind of a running joke that Ben Stiller was in absolutely every film, and he pratically was. Check it out:

Meet the Fockers
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Envy
Starsky & Hutch
Along Came Polly
Duplex
The Royal Tenenbaums
Zoolander
Meet the Parents
Keeping the Faith
Mystery Men
The Suburbans
There's Something About Mary

That's a list of all the major films Ben Stiller appeared in Theatres between 1999 and 2003. Seriously, he was in absolutely everything. You'd be hard pressed to find a single film Ben Stiller wasn't in like you'd be hard pressed to find an unused condom in Ron Jeremy's bedroom. I mean, fuck, the only good movie in that whole list is Tenenbaums. Fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman, possibly the greatest actor alive, was in Along Came Polly and he couldn't save it. That says quite a bit. It says that he needs at LEAST one good actor to play off of. Without Gene Hackman, Stiller probably would have ruined Tenenbaums, so when you take an actor who can only work well with good actors, throw in Hoffman who needs a solid lead actor, and then throw in Jennifer Aniston, you've got less of a prayer than the 49ers of winning the Super Bowl this year.

But this isn't ABOUT Ben Stiller, it's about his mid-decade replacement in the "Sweet mother of God he's in every single movie" department, Will Ferrell. Let's look at how many movies Will Ferrell has been in.

*Deep Breath*

Stranger Than Fiction
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Curious George
The Producers
Winter Passing
Wedding Crashers
Bewitched
Kicking & Screaming
The Wendell Baker Story
Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie
Melinda and Melinda
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Starsky & Hutch
Elf
Old School
Zoolander
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
The Ladies Man
Drowning Mona
Superstar
Dick
The Suburbans
A Night at the Roxbury

That's 1999 through 2006. And about 10 of those films were filmed in the course of the same year.

When the fuck does this guy SLEEP?

Okay, I'm with most of you, I used to think this guy was REALLY, REALLY funny. When he was on saturday night live, I laughed along with the best of them. I loved Celebrity Jeopardy. I adored Harey Carey. I loved his speech to Tina Fey about Voice Immodulation. I needed more cowbell. But here's the thing. This guy got WAY too popular way too fast. Comedy genuises that leave SNL (Like Tina Fey more recently, in the past Bill Murray, John Belushi, etc.) develop film careers or TV careers to some extent, but the sheer voracity with which Ferrell has taken off after leaving SNL a few years ago is nothing less than staggering. He is EVERY where. He has almost constant television guest experiences on every popular show, new films coming out every single month...hell, I'm half surprised he hasn't tried a record contract yet.

Do you remember what Dave Chappelle did after the second season of Chappelle's Show took off to Heaven and Back. He ran away. He suffered a practical nervous breakdown and high tailed it to Nairobi, or some place in Africa to get away from people because the fame was slowly driving him crazy. Alot of people questioned this move at the time, but the practicality of this move cannot be put into question. Dave was getting too famous too fast. If you asked practically anyone BEFORE Chappelle's Show took off who Dave Chappelle was, they probably couldn't tell you, because all he had was some standup noteriety and appearances in Robin Hood Men in Tights and Half-Baked (which coiincidentally, got a special edition after the success of his show that featured him collossally more prominent on the cover). Dave had the right idea though. Just get away from everything for a while before the fact that you're everywhere people look starts to drive you insane and make the public increasingly tired of you.

Will Ferrell needs to follow this advice. I think everybody thought he was funny at first, but the problem is he lost his appeal to about 50% of his audience (a.k.a. The counterculture) when he left SNL and started to do EVERYTHING.

Will, We love you, and I'm saying this in the nicest way possible....


PLEASE....FOR NOW....JUST GO AWAY....

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: SPECIAL EDITION: 40 L'année Vierge vieux: Bande A Parte

Who looks at one and sees the other?

I don't have work today, and as I don't have school either, I thought I'd take the time to share a story that didn't happen today at work, but is one of my favorite customer experiences ever. To this day, neither me, nor my boss can figure out exactly what this woman was thinking.

It's about early afternoon and my boss and I are checking in returns, when this woman comes into the store and walks over to the counter.

Me: Hi, how are ya? What can I do for you?

Customer: Um, I rented a movie last night, I only watched part of it and it wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be, can I get an exchange?

Me: What was it, the film I mean?

Customer : Well I was looking for art films last night. I have to do a class study on sophistication and symbolism in art films. I saw this one movie on the shelves and it said "Unrated" on it and that led me to believe it was going to be an art film, and I watched it and it's just...a stupid comedy movie. I didn't watch more than like, 10 minutes, you guys will certainly credit me for it, right?

Me: What uh? What movie did you rent?

*She hands me The 40 Year Old Virgin*

*long pause*

I look over at my boss and he's nearly dying trying to keep himself from bursting out laughing.

Me: Well miss, I don't know exactly what you mean by "Art film", but if you mean like, something in the vain of the french new wave, this is about the farthest thing ever from it. This is just a dumb comedy film. Steve Carrell should have given that away to you.

Customer: Oh, well I don't know who he is. I was just looking for an art film and I saw that this movie was unrated so I figured it was one. Can you please just credit me?

*My boss finally comes over*

Boss: Miss, we'll do it this time, but just so you know for next time, "Unrated" doesn't just refer to independent artsy films. If you have a question or you aren't sure, feel free to ask one of us before you do this again, but we won't be doing a credit of this nature after this one.

Customer: Okay, that's fine. *leaves*

So my boss and I pull up her account and look at her member history. Apparently she had rented Deuce Biggalo: European Giggalo the week before.

Simply and utterly mindboggling.

To this day there's a warning on that woman's account." No more credit for "Art films" like the 40 Year Old Virgin"

The Goddess List

The Following is a Comprehensive List of all the Women I worship:

Audrey Hepburn:


















Claudette Colbert:






















Barbara Stanwyck:






















Betty Grable:























Marilyn Monroe:






















Kirsten Dunst:



















Franka Potente:


























Audrey Tautou:






























Sue Lyon:
























Storm Large:



























Debbie Harry:


























Kristin Bell:























Tina Fey:


























Jennifer Garner:





















Charisma Carpenter:

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 10/01: Free Winona

Winona Ryder, the Object of this man's worship.
It would be slightly less creepy if he wasn't so old.


The only way I can set up this story for you guys is to inform all of you that some people aren't entirely comforted by the fact that they are not the single smartest person on the face of the earth.

Customer enters and goes into our section where we have new movies to buy. He is an older man in his early 50's.

Me: "Can I help you find something?"

Customer: "Do you have Heathers?"

*finds it*

Me: "Here you go man, excellent choice, wonderful film."

Customer: "Yeah, I love Winona, do you know what her first film was?"

Me: "I think. Give me a minute."

Customer: "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"

Me: "Actually she had a bit part in a movie called Lucas with Corey Haim, but yeah, Beetlejuice was her first major starring role. She's great."

The customer stops what he's doing and goes up to the counter where my boss is.

Customer: I'm sorry, can I talk to you for a second?

Boss: Yeah sure, what's up?

Customer: You need to do something about your employee there, please.

Boss: What did he do?

Customer: He's a smartass.

Boss: Excuse me?

Customer: Your employee there thinks he's a smartass. You have to do something about him cause I don't want to see him in here next time.

(Keep in mind, this guy is saying all this with me STANDING right behind him)

Boss: Sir, I just watched him, I didn't see him say anything rude.

Customer: I don't want to feel like everytime I come into your store that your employees are going to talk down to me and act like they are smarter than I am.

Boss: Sir, I don't think he was trying to act like he's smarter than you are. He just kind of DOES that, he knows alot about movies. I think he was just trying to like, you know, start a conversation, since you said you both like Winona Ryder.

Customer: I'm not asking you for your opinion, I'm telling you that guy is a jerk and I want him gone or you won't see me in the store again. You guys work in *expletive deleted* retail. Do you think anyone gives a flying *expletive deleted* what you think? I mean really?

Boss: Sir, I can talk to my store manager, I'm just a supervisor, I can't just terminate someone outright.

Customer: How many people complain about that guy?

Boss: I...

Customer: I can't be the first person to come up here and tell you he's an *expletive deleted*.

Boss: Look sir, I'm sure he's really sorry and he won't talk to you again like that. I guess he just wasn't thinking you probably wouldn't want to be corrected. I'll talk to him. I'm very, very sorry.

Customer: You better be. *leaves*

Customer behind him in line: What? Is he *expletive deleted* married to Winona Ryder or something?

My boss and I:

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/24: Thank You Captain Whistleblower.

"The Big Lebowski" starring John Goodman and Jeff Bridges.
She'd never seen the film, but she assumed the title
referred to large genitals.


This is amazing.

Woman comes into the store tonight.

She walks out on the sales floor, coming up about 15 minutes later with a look on her face that combined both horror and disgust.

"Excuse me sir, do you....Do you know what kind of MOVIES you have out there?"

"I know the store pretty well, yes. What's the problem? Need help finding something? Need a recommendation?"

"I.....I....here....here...look at these!"

She runs out onto the store floor and returns with a stack of about 30 rentals, throwing them down on the front counter.

"Have you seen these, these are disgusting!"

She had brought up a stack of R-Rated Movies.

"I haven't seen ALL of them...no...."

"I can't believe you CARRY these! This is a FAMILY store!"

"Miss, I don't know what to tell you. Alot of people watch R-Rated movies...myself included."

She looked at me like I had told her I was a pedophile.

"You WATCH these? You DISGUST me! You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Miss I don't know what to tell you..."

"I'm telling you what I'm going to do...I'm going to WRITE DOWN every single one of these movies....and I'm going to tell EVERYONE I KNOW about you...and the SMUT you peddle...and THEN...MAYBE you'll stop being prudes and get some common decency! THE NERVE!"

"Miss...I'm really sorry...but noone is forcing you to watch anything out there....it's a free country...adults have the right to watch any kind of movie they want. We don't carry pornography, but we carry R-rated films..."

"This...."

She leans right over the counter and sticks her finger RIGHT in my face.

"THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY TAKE THE PRAYER OUT OF PUBLIC SCHOOLS! YOU HERETICS MAKE ME SO SICK! WHEN WILL YOU ALL REPENT AND COME TO JESUS?"

"Ma'am, I'm a Christian. My boss is a Christian as well. And we live our lives as best we can. It's a matter of conviction. If God has told you he doesn't want you or you family to watch R-Rated Films...That's great. God Bless You. But I also believe in liberty, and if you are willing and able to discern what you allow into your eyes and ears, I think it's perfectly fine."

She backed up with her jaw down like I had just said "Hail Satan!"

"How DARE you call yourselves Christians when you peddle such smut? YOU SICK, SICK, SICK PEOPLE!"

"Ma'am, please, it's totally cool if you don't watch R-rated movies! I'm glad in fact, but we can't punish absolutely everyone because of your personal convictions."

It was then she dropped the bombshell

"BOTH OF YOU....I HOPE YOUR MOTHERS AND YOUR SISTERS GET RAPED! THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO PEDDLE SEX TO PEOPLE!"

She was thrown out, and is now permanently banned from our store.

I only wish this story was made up. It's not.

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/24: Dora the Explorer's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Who looks at this DVD cover and says, "Gee, I
Should Rent This for my kids?"

This woman....my GOD, I think people are just trying to find excuses to yell at us at this point.

So the phone rings.

"Thank You For Calling Blockbuster Video in ****, this is David Speaking, how can I help you?"

I'm greeted by an older woman who appears to be both angry and seething with tears at the same time "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU."

I could already tell this was going to be bad.

She continued. She was literally so incredibly mad she dragged out every word of her sentences in such a breathy voice. "You sick bastard...what do you have against children."

I have absolutely everything against children, but I thought it best not to say anything.

She continued. I was in earlier today, in your store, with my CHILDREN.

She paused.

I say "And? Did I do something?"

"DID YOU DO SOMETHING? I was out in your store letting my children pick out movies...and they bring up a movie to me, and I didn't know what it was, but they REALLY wanted to see it, so I took it up to the counter and you RENTED this to me."

"Okay..."

"So I'm in the van, we're going on this long car trip down to florida as a family on a LONG NEEDED VACATION. So I pop the movie in the DVD player, and the kids are all excited, and all of the sudden, I hear these SCREAMS AND CRYING FROM THE BACKSEAT!"

"Um..."

"IS THIS SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE SICK JOKE! WHY DID YOU RENT THAT TO MY KIDS? MY CHILDREN WILL NOW REQUIRE DECADES OF THERAPY TO RECOVER FROM WHAT THEY SAW, YOU RUINED OUR VACATION! WE HAD TO TURN AROUND AND GO HOME! NOW WE'LL NEVER GO TO FLORIDA! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

"Miss, what movie is this?"

"I have to find it, hold on..."

She finds it.

"It's called Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas."

"Miss, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas isn't a movie for kids."

"Well, THANKS for telling me that now! How was I supposed to know this."

"Miss, if you had looked at the back, the film is a very strong R-Rating, for disturbing images and drug use, among many other things."

"THAT'S NOT MY JOB!"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, my kids just brought this movie up to me and they said they wanted to see it so I got it for them. You didn't say ONE word to me about it. It is ENTIRELY YOUR responsibility to inform me this movie is inappropriate to show my kids! You are supposed to be a family oriented company you liars!"

"Miss, there were other family oriented titles in the stack. I assumed those were for the kids. I couldn't possibly see you renting a movie titled Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas for little kids? I mean, read the back of the box...I'm very sorry, but had you taken one second to read the description on the back, you would have known without even checking the rating you shouldn't show that to kids."

"IT IS NOT! DID YOU HEAR ME? IT IS NOT! MY JOB TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT! IT IS YOUR JOB, AS THE EMPLOYEE TO INFORM ME? HOW DOES YOUR COMPANY PLAN TO COMPENSATE ME FOR THE YEARS OF THERAPY MY CHILDREN ARE GOING TO NEED?"


Christ, lady. Look at the box, would you buy absolutely anything for your kids just because they tell you they want it without finding out what the stupid movie is ABOUT first?

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/22: Give Me One Minute And You Can Save All The Breath

So my boss gets a phonecall tonight and he forwards it to me as neither one of us is doing anything. Typical call. A guy got a message on his answeing machine that he hasn't returned something yet and he's pretty sure that he has, so he wants to check in the store. Really nice guy too, calm, collected,the kind of guy who you are ENTIRELY willing to work with if there's a problem. So I go out, look on the shelves. WHOOPS. Our mistake, looks like it got put out on the shelf without getting checked in, but he did return it. Common mistake. So I come up back to the register with it in my hand. All I have to tell the guy is "Sorry, got it in my hand. It's here, we're checking it in, no charge. BIGGEST apologies sir, have a great night."

So I pick up the phone to tell this incredibly patient gentleman how sorry we are.

"Sor-"

Apparently however, in the time it took me to grab his movie off of the shelf, his wife had taken the phone away from him.

As you can probably imagine, his wife is the polar opposite of her husband.

Remember, all I have to say to this woman is "We found the movie out on the shelf. You're fine, no charge, have a wonderful night, and we're sorry."

"Sor-"

"I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK I AM, BUT I HAVE NEVER, NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE BEEN ACCUSED OF ANY KIND OF WRONG DOING SIR, AND IT DISGUSTS ME, APPALS ME MORE SO, THAT YOU, A MINIMUM WAGE WORKER HAVE THE NERVE, THE GALL, TO ACCUSE ME OF ALL THINGS, NOT RETURNING A MOVIE TO YOU!--"

She went on...non-stop, I *expletive deleted* you not, like that, for almost a good 10 minutes.She didn't need to breathe. She went on, for at least 10 minutes explaining to me how big she was and how much gall I must have, as someone unworthy to clean her floors, to even think of accusing her of not returning a movie when she's never done one wrong thing in her entire life. If she stopped talking, for ONE second all I had to say was "We found it."

So she finally stops and I tell her we found it.

And she says "Good!" and hangs up.

I feel bad for her husband. He's such a nice quiet guy. She probably owns him, like seriously.

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/18: Do I Look Like F...ING Penn & Teller, *expletive deleted* hole?

Seriously, I've seen people try to utilize 3-D effects on a regular
television before. It barely works. There's really no point in even
calling cause you're watching the film in 2-D either way.

Tonight at work was one of the best nights I've had at work in a very long time. My co-worker and I had hardly ANY customers, but still had WONDERFUL sales numbers and were able to have fascinating conversations by the end of the night, everything from why Paris Hilton takes over all media, to the collapse of the family unit in society, to the importance of in depth character development in a screenplay.

It takes a very special phonecall from a very special customer to make the night any more memorable than it already was, but boy did I get it.

1 hour before we close....this is about 11:00 mind you...I get a phonecall from a gentleman.

"Thank you for calling Blockbuster Video in ****, this is David speaking, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, I think you guys *expletive deleted* up, um, I rented this movie Spy Kids 3-D for my kids tonight and they're sitting down to watch it and there's no 3-D glasses inside for them to watch it."

"No sir, that's not a mistake, we don't rent it with the 3-D glasses."

"Why in the hell not?"

"Because we know for a fact we'll have customers that won't return them and we'll be out in the investment. The disk is double-sided. If you flip it over, you can watch the film in 2-D."

"I Don't want to *expletive deleted* watch it in 2-D! My kids rented the god damn movie to watch it in 3-D with the god damn 3-D glasses in the box!"

"I'm sorry sir, you can only get the glasses if you purchase the film. If you return the film, I'll credit you for it and you can get something else."

"Are you paying attention to me, you're missing the point entirely: I. DON'T. WANT. ANOTHER. *expletive deleted*. MOVIE. I WANT THE MOTHER *expletive deleted* GLASSES SO MY KIDS CAN WATCH THIS MOVIE IN 3-D! IF I COME DOWN TO THE STORE, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THE *expletive deleted* GLASSES RIGHT?"

"Unfortunately sir, I don't have the glasses. We don't even have a pair back here I could give you. We don't have a pair that we rent out to people and I have no idea where to obtain a pair for you to watch the movie with without you actually purchasing the film."

"YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU MOTHER *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted* HOLE *expletive deleted*. MY KIDS...MY CHILDREN...MY CHILDREN THAT I'D KILL FOR...ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THERE CRYING THEIR LITTLE EYES OUT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T WATCH THIS MOVIE IN 3-D! THEY WERE SO EXCITED ABOUT THE 3-D AND YOU JUST BROKE THEIR HEARTS...GIVE ME ONE....ONE *expletive deleted* REASON I SHOULDN'T COME DOWN TO THE STORE AND BREAK YOUR NECK."

"I am....really...really sorry sir, if I had any possible way of obtaining you the 3-D glasses for the movie, I would personally drive to your house and hand them to you. But there is absolutely nothing I can tell you except that if you return the movie to the store, we'll give you every cent of your money back. I'm really incredibly sorry we've upset your children. I REALLY, TRULY AM....I...."

He hung up on me.

Who do I look like? Penn and Teller? Does the guy think I can suddenly materialize 3-D glasses in my hands? Whoops, here you go! Silly me!

And second of all....


WHY ARE YOUR KIDS UP AT 11:00 AT NIGHT WATCHING A GOD DAMN MOVIE?

Customer of the Night 1 and 2:

For those of you who don't know, I work at a blockbuster, and for every customer I have that's a wonderful person that I always enjoy having in the store, there's one that just amazes me in their sheer stupidity or in the amount of frustration they cause.

Tonight, I came to the realization that instead of making a seperate thread EVERY single time I have a bad customer, I should create this "THE CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT THREAD", and discuss the one customer who, above all else, stands out above the rest.

I'd like to stress that about 99.9% of my customers are genuinely fine people. Some of the people that are going to be in this thread are probably wonderful people, but the experience of having them in the store was infinitely memorable.

We'll start off with the Customer of the Night for Last Night and the Customer of the Night for Tonight:

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/16: Weekend at Old Blue Eyes' 2:Electric Boogaloo

This customer was, for all intensive purposes, an INCREDIBLY nice woman, and even typing this, I feel incredibly bad, but this story is far too priceless to forget. The woman, in her late forties came up holding the original Manchurian Candidate, starring Frank Sinatra, and she comes up and asks "Do you have Weekend at Bernie's. So I look in the computer, and I tell her we don't have it. So as I'm checking her out, I point at Manchurian Candidate ask "Ever seen this before?" And she says "No actually, is it, is it good?" And I'm like "it's excellent actually, have you seen the remake with Denzel Washington? This one is better, but the remake is surprisingly well done." And she's like "I've actually seen the one with Denzel, the reason I watched it is someone told me it was filmed where my son used to live, but I have to tell you, I watched it, I didn't understand what was going on at all...Like, I had no idea what was happening or what was going on or anything....Did you get it?" And I was like "Yeah, I got it." And She's like "You did? I didn't get it at all." She looks at me like I'm telling her I could explain the theories of Steven Hawking. So I'm like "So, do you want the Sinatra one?" And she's like "No...I was kind of hoping you had Weekend at Bernie's. THAT FILM IS AWESOME...I wanted to show my kids so bad!"

All I could think was "Miss, I think I know why you don't understand the plot of The Manchurian Candidate"

CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT: 9/17: Just Because They Say It On TV...

This customer is an older man, probably in his late sixties with a beard, who comes up to the front counter and is renting the first 3 discs of the second season of Deadwood. So I say to the guy, "This show is absolutely awesome. My boss thinks it's the best show on Television." Without warning the guy gets this stern look in his eye, leans right over the counter and SCREAMS at me "SHUT THE *expletive deleted* UP!"

So I back up a little and my boss looks over at the guy with these HUGE eyes and I'm like "I'm sorry sir, did I say something and he's like "No, that's...that's what they say on the show is all." And he just gets this big smile on his face and I give him his discs and he leaves. I mean seriously, luckily he was the only customer in the store at the moment, but there could have been kids in there...

Hollywood Rant #3: Kevin Federline (There's Really Nothing Else To Say Now Is There?)

Anyone remember what Britney Spears looked like when she was like, you know, 18?



What Britney Spears actually used to look like.
Yeah, I can't believe it either.

I mean, yeah, she was never like, "Wow", but back then I could respect an individual who found her at all like, MODERATELY attractive.

Seen her lately? She DEFINES trailer park trash, while still having enough money from the bubble gum sugar pop she pettled to Generation Y in the late 1990's to sit comfortably on her growing *expletive deleted* and do whatever she damn well pleases. Here's the thing, I don't think it's Britney's fault that she's twice her original size now even when she isn't pregnant. I don't think it's Britney's fault that she's lost all credibility as a performer and now is only good for making the cover of US magazine every god damn week.

Britney Spears made huge news about 2 years ago when she, apparently under the heavy influence of alcohol and childhood partying, met at a vegas chapel to marry her childhood sweetheart, a man named Jason Alexander. The marriage was annuled within the short time of 24 hours.

Now, I don't even know Jason Alexander. But he seems like a completely decent and wonderful person. And do you know why that is? It's because ANYONE, and I mean, like ANYONE, would seem like *expletive deleted* Mother Teresa or Saint Paul himself next to the King of Douchebags that Britney married a year later.

Kevin Federline was one of Britney's Backup dancers originally. How this happens, I'm not entirely sure.
Because...well, this guy CANNOT move to save his life, and has the rhythm of a limp chicken. I present for your approval his performance at the Teen Choice Awards this year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbbTRma0Olc

Ignore the fact that Britney could pass for Moby Dick at the beginning of that clip, and pay attention to K-Fed's Performance. You would think, since the guy used to be...of all things, A BACKUP DANCER, he would have somewhat impressive moves to showcase on stage. On the complete contrary, he not only is barely moving, he looks entirely bored with his performance. Now K-Fed, honestly, I'm not a music authority, but even I know the first rule of a rock show (or rap show) is if you want your audience to get into the moment, BE EXCITED and HAVE FUN. Townshend and Moon smashed their gear. Hendrix lit his guitar on fire. Jefferson Airplane passed out hashpipes. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE YOUR AUDIENCE FEEL LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME. How do you expect an audience to take you seriously Kevin if YOU don't even look like you enjoy your own music?

I'm sorry Kevin, you do. You do enjoy your own music. A little too much, as evidenced by THIS video that came out a couple months ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6RvngAZCcQ

That song Kevin, it sounds like you wrote it in about 10 seconds. lyrics,Kevin, MEANINGFUL lyrics sometimes take months to compose. And you sit there so proud of yourself like you've just written the next "Ziggy Stardust". When James Lipton can go on Conan O'Brien Kevin, and getting roaring laughter simply by SAYING the words to your songs, something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBzpLR3_9M8

K-fed. You're horrible. You've destroyed the image of Britney Spears as the everyman's sexual fantasy and you have somehow gotten the idea that just because you're married to a woman who is a huge star, that you somehow have an ounce of credibility or talent. Mr federline, if time travel was possible, I could go back in time and hang out with Claudette Colbert on the set of one of her films. That wouldn't mean I'd suddenly become a good actor. If I didn't have it BEFORE I met a quality performer, simply being associated with her would do JACK.

Let's continue now by showing the video for Kevin's new Single, "Lose Control", after which we will analyze the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0SxMhwVkJ8

Okay, I'll give you all a minute to contemplate suicide.

Finished? Alright, let's take a look at this painful excuse for lyrics:

"Thats right just get it
Let you feel it"

I don't know what you're asking me to "feel" here K-fed, but I'm going to have to say no. Anything that you were to pull out of your pocket and say "Yo dude, feel this...", I'm not going to feel. In fact, when you tell me to feel something, I get this image of a really creepy, deprived grandfather who is asking his granddaughter to reach inside of his pants and pleasure him. I wish there was a nicer way to say that, but there isn't. That's how little I want to be even NEAR you, much less feel anything that you could be pulling out at any given time. And given how often Britney seems to be growing to the size of the titanic, you apparently pull it out quite a damn bit.

"Make you lose control
This is that hip-hop flavor mixed with a lil bit of rock & roll"

Your music makes me lose control alright. Lose control off all possible restraint I have as a human being and want to murder you. And Kevin, please explain what part of your music REMOTELY resembles Rock and Roll. Even suggesting that your music is in the same vein as the Rolling Stones, the Clash, the Who, or the Beatles is like saying that Rosie O'Donnell is in the league of Marilyn Monroe simply because she's female.

"Valet your whip Grab your chick
You know how it goes
I got that *expletive deleted*, I got them beats thatll make you lose control"

"No, I DON'T know how it goes Kevin...and if it involves whips, I don't want to hear a word of "HOW IT GOES", especially when it involves you. I'm pretty sure even the mere thought of you and Britney doing something that involves whips would make any sane individual blow their brains out in a collective orgy of gray matter fly. Oh, and you got lots of *expletive deleted* alright."

"Step up in the club, so fresh and clean
Not the outcast that they label me"

Yes you are. Look, generally, people that are outside of the norm that is appreciated by society develop a counterculture appeal. But for you to develop that appeal, someone actuallyhas to LIKE what you do. I cannot think of a single person, nor can I concieve of a person, other than your wife, who honestly thinks you possess one iota of concievable talent.

"I'm rolling with a team, that roll so deep
We in and out the club everyday of the week
And I make them hits, when the beat drop
That's when you here me say say hold up, stop"

Too bad when I say "Hold Up", you just can't stop, or I would have done that a long time ago. K-Fed, I have a hard believing you actually get into any actual clubs, or at least that you'd have a hard time getting into one without that whate of a woman on your arm. You're the type of guy who gets thrown out of clubs about 5 minutes into the night because he's lurking in the shadows making weird grins at all the women and telling them to show you their breasts.

"Let me take you back to 5o'clock
When I roll the lamborghini off the block
But not before I made them chop the top
And throw some 20 shoe's, oh thats hot"

What are 20 shoe's? This paragraph makes so little sense in the second part that the only joke I can concur from it is that I'd like to throw 20 shoes at your car and break the damn windshield.

"Hit Nastros For a bite to eat
No tuxedo cuz they reconize me
Her lifestyle, the rich living, the fast cars
Don't hate 'cuz I'm a superstar and I married a superstar
Never come between us no matter who you are, cmon"

No Kevin you aren't a superstar. You're riding the wave of your wife's success. You possess NO TALENT, and the ONLY reason you even have enough exposure to be an internet laughing stock is because you are married to Britney Spears.

"Closet full of kicks
Garage full of whips
Vegas crab table got the pit ball sticks
They never seen a kid win like this
So rich, that I tattoo the dice on my wrist
And my girl too, It's no coincidence that SRT got all black tits
I've never been a digger but I rock 'em nuggets
One earing cost more than your budget
I ain't here to brag I'm just here to pop tags
My ferrari cost more than your lil S-class
Look man I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket
It don't matter what you blow, boy you can't match it
40 grand I take the whole crew to Miami
Then we pop Crys off like they won Grammy's
I take care of my own, that's my family
Magazine talk 'cuz they don't understand me"

Again Kevin all this stuff you're bragging about owning? It's bought with YOUR WIFE'S MONEY! You're like a little poodle who gets spoiled by it's master because she's too dumb to realize she's spending all of her money ON A DOG!!!

Hollywood Rant #2: Hillary Duff Is A Lazy, Spoiled Rotten Little Bitch

Hillary doing what she does best. Sitting on her ass and contributing
nothing important while people give her money.

Ah yes. Hillary Duff. The girl that, besides Lindsay Lohan, provides more orgasmically wonderful enjoyment to pre-teen girls (And 35-40 year old men) than anyone else. Arrogantly walking the same path first blazed by the Olson Twins before her, Hillary has conquered ALL forms of media (aside from Porn, but you know that isn't far behind), from Television, to Movies (Her latest with her equally annoying and if it's possible, even less talented sister Haylee), to today's topic of discussion, the ear-splittingly awful saccrine sweet tripe she calls her music. She has 4 albums. 4. FOUR ALBUMS! One of the songs, off her latest album, "Most Wanted", appeared on the trailer tape at work a couple months ago. I can only hope that the title of her latest album is some remote indication that she will be arrested in a week or so and made to be someone's prison *expletive deleted*. But I wouldn't get my hopes up. She released an album called "Metamorphisis" a couple years ago and I foolishly hoped that she meant she'd be crawling into some kind of morbidly black cocoon for a couple weeks, only to emerge as someone who actually makes music and who's mere face doesn't make me violent. Anyway, her song "Wake Up", which coincidentally, is the EXACT same message I have for the catatonically braindead idiots who keep buying her God damn records (Juries still out on if Terry Schiavo listened to her), appeared on my trailer tape at work a couple months ago. Really, this song...it's....Hillary, I've heard music...What you play isn't music. The Who. That's Music. Jefferson Airplane. That's *expletive deleted* music. This is....


Hillary's Miserable Excuse for a Record.

"There's people talking
They talk about me"

I doubt it. If people have nothing better to do than talk about you, they live sad, horrid little lives. Here in lies problem #1 (on a list of a million) problems with this girl. She's so arrogant and ego-centric she thinks that everyone in the entire world, whenever they are talking, are ABSOLUTELY talking about her. *expletive deleted* Walter God Damn Cronkite's got a big fat news flash you vapidly *expletive deleted*-faced dumb blonde slut. People have better things to talk about than you. Hell, I'd rather discuss the various ways I'd prefer to contract the *expletive deleted* African Bird Flu. There's better things to discuss. The Eagles for one. And how I'd take some kind of sick pleasure watching their linebackers doggy-style you forcefully. Yeah. I said it.

"They know my name
They think they know everything"

It's RIDICULOUSLY hard NOT to know everything. Most Hallowed Christ, your picture and some useless factoid about your expendable life is shoved between two perfume ads in some magazine for lonely middle aged women every six seconds, right between a recipe for the world's *expletive deleted* greatest cherry cobbler and "40 steps for a More INCREDIBLY AROUSING SEX LIFE". Here's a tip for a more arousing sex life, Hillary. Play any man you come across within the next 6 minutes, like, 3 seconds of your music. They'll instantly pass out from lack of oxygen to their brain, thus allowing you to have your way with them. Because that's the only way you're getting any with this much of a lack of actual talent. Tiger Beat magazine puts your face on every single god damn issue they release every month, with some head like "Hilary's Big OMG Moment!11111!!1!!!!" NOONE *expletive deleted* CARES.

"But they don't know anything
About me"

See Above Hillary. People know, because we're forced to know. We don't have the choice given to us on any given second of any given god damn day NOT TO KNOW. Your publicist, MTV, Tiger Beat Magazine, they force us to know every single little thing about you as if you are some glorious goddess who has descended from heaven to inform us of the meaning of life. What are you, the mother *expletive deleted* Dhali *expletive deleted* llama? No, the Dhali Llama has music taste. I hear he listens to slayer. Here's a thought, slutface. You don't want us to know anything about you? GO LIVE ON A MOTHER *expletive deleted* ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHER E NOONE CAN HEAR YOU SING. And noone can hear when the ghost of Steve Irwin has you mauled by Crocodiles.

"Give me a dance floor
Give me a dj"

It's your fault, Hillary. You are fully responsible for the spoiled, "I'm entitled to absolutely anything and everything I want" philosophy that currently permiates american youth. I'm not going to get you a dance floor and a DJ. I'm not your little servant boy you dumb slut. Be happy that you have enough money to install a swimming pool full of Yellow Jello Tapioca Pudding in your backyard, because if it was up to me, you'd be cleaning off the spray streams in jack off booths in adult bookstores. So I'm not going to do your bidding for you Hillary. You want a Dance Floor and a DJ? Get off your god damn *expletive deleted*, put your feet down from on the collective necks of corporate america and the youth market, put down the little silver bell, and get it your god damn self.

"Play me a record
Forget what they say"

Still with the commands? Boy, you really are a little rich spoiled brat aren't you? Fine, you wanna hear a record? I'll play you "Tommy" by the Who. That's a record. Oh wait, you know what? You don't deserve to hear the record because for reasons only known to the dark prince satan himself, you actually *expletive deleted* COVERED "My Generation" on one of your albums. I hope you die. I really do. In fact, I'm so tempted to murder you if I wasn't too busy with work, I'd consider it. And then I'd decide not to. Not because murder is against the ten commandments, but because I'd actually have to dirty a knife plunging it into your lifeless corpse. And "Forget what they say"? Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that, would you hillary, because when you play a rock show, you don't need to worry about remembering the words to your own *expletive deleted* songs because you probably lip-synch them all the *expletive deleted* way through.

"Cause I need to go
Need to getaway tonight"

Yes, please. GO. I can't stand looking at your little fat cherub face another god damn second.

"I put my makeup on a Saturday night
I try to make it happen"

I thought you were going to go? God damn it Hillary, why you gotta *expletive deleted* lie to me like this? I get my hopes up that you're just going to up and leave and now you're going to tell me about how you put your makeup on. Hillary, no amount of makeup is going to help. Sorry. Women wear makeup to enhance the already beautiful characteristics in their face. If you already look batshit ugly without makeup, you could put on makeup till you look like Mimi from the Drew Carey show and you'll still look like Joan Crawford exploded on your eyelids. And before you get all god damn excited that I'm comparing you to Joan Crawford, I'm not talking about the HOT Joan Crawford. I'm talking about the 100% loco crazy Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest. It won't "happen" if you've got absolutely nothing to work with.

"Try to make it all right
I know I make mistakes"

Hillary, EVERYTHING you DO is a mistake. I know this seems like an easy shot, but you make it easy. I can't forgive mistakes or let you make it right if you've never done a single good thing in your entire life. In order to effectively redeem yourself, you have to do something good. I'm still waiting. But with movies, music, and tv like you do, my ability to be impressed is lessening by the day.

"I'm living life day to day
It's never really easy but it's ok"

No. It's not okay. You fail at absolutely everything. The only thing, I mean, the ONLY thing that you're remotely good at is making little girls think you're amazing, and making 40 year old men masturbate. You made a horrible TV show on a second rate network for a company that's been a shell of everything it once was since it's founder died, you and that harpie you call a sister make romantic comedies, even when you have women like Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Jessica Parker to compete against, REMARKABLY worse, and you're not simply content coming up with some of the single WORST music known to man in your own head, you have to steal a classic song by the greatest band of all *expletive deleted* time and ruin it. You're a failure Hillary. Kill Yourself. Seriously. Also, that first line there...."I'm living life, day by day" that sounds like something 50 year old recovering alcoholics say. You drink too. Just *expletive deleted* great.

"Wake Up Wake Up
On a Saturday night"

You don't wake up until SATURDAY NIGHT? YOU LAZY *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*! I've been up early everyday this week trying to make a part-time college education work with a job where my hours are expanding drastically because we only have 6 employees at the store, and you're staying in bed until saturday *expletive deleted* night? Somebody throw a bucket of ice cold water on this girl. Get out of the god damn bed and do something!

"Could be New York
Maybe Hollywood and Vine
London, Paris maybe Tokyo"

These 3 lines are so laughable that I was cracking up at work everytime I heard them. Seriously Hillary, you're basically saying that you fall asleep in one place at some given time and then randomly wake up on a Saturday night in some strange place without knowing how you got there. I get this delightful image of her staggering out of a bar somewhere downtown, passing out in an alley, and then just randomly waking up somewhere in some city having no idea where she is after some pimp has already gave her a roofie and had his way with her. Hillary has just confessed to be a regularly drunken whore. There we have it.

"There's something going on anywhere I go
Tonight
Tonight
Yeah, tonight"

Well OF COURSE something's going on everywhere you go Hillary. People have lives and things to do. Unlike you, you lazy drunken whore, we all can't stay in bed until saturday night. We have JOBS. We have LIVES.

"People all around you
Everywhere that you go"

Hillary, you're starting to worry me, as it appears that you are developing some kind of paranoid schitzophrenia. You are not the only person on planet earth. I don't know if it's a result of your ego being the size of texas and russia put together, or that you have a fear that everyone in the world is trying to murder you (and the latter is completely and entirely true), but when you go places, people will be there. UNLESS the place you are going to is one of your concerts.

"People all around you
They don't really know you"

See Post about Tiger Beat. Everybody knows EVERYTHING about you whether they'd like to or not.

"Everybody watching like it's some kind of show
Everybody's watching"

It is NOT like we have much of a choice. You are on every channel.

"They don't really know you now
(They don't really know you)
(They don't really know you)
And forever"

Again, yes we do, and if "Forever" is how long it's going to take to shut you up, suicide is a viable option.